Putting Faces to Assholes

11 Oct

The incredibly gifted Crystal Carter has done some beautiful artwork displaying a few characters from the movie. Please enjoy.

Tests, Allies, and Enemies

4 Oct

Let me update you on the HAPS:

The script is a lot cleaner than it was four months ago. And by cleaner, I mean it flows a lot better, not cleaner as in fewer farts and dicks and such. If anything, there are more. And although I do have the script much tighter, I know it is not the shooting script. It’s at 71 pages, but since it has 13 (short) songs in it, I imagine it will be much longer than 71 minutes.

I think all the songs are written and eight of them have actually have been recorded. Here are the names of the songs in no specific order except chronologically:

Somewhere Outside my Butthole

So Fucking Sad

I’m Tripping on You

Teardrops on my Boner

My Name is Beau Nerjoos

Fuck, We got Tittie Maggots

When the World has got you down

Going up the Mountian

Breaking the Ten Commandments

What is the Color of my Hope

Hot on the Trail of Beau Nerjoos

Un Tiempo para Univero

And then there’s one more song, but I don’t want to give away the ending of this incredible pile of amazing. So… I’ve been spending lots of time in front of a giant computer writing and recording and editing and such.

I’ve also given copies of the present script to a few people and they’ve given me some pretty good feedback. None like, “Wow, this is an amazing script!” More like, “Well… this part sucks… and this part sucks… wow… you’re really fucked up.” That’s what good feedback is. I think.

So I’m going through the script and trying to dig out ways to have fewer scenes, because there are about 40 of them AND I AM NOT MADE OF MONEY(It’s merely a coincidence my penis resembles a half-roll of dimes)!!! I would like to do some test shots with the song Tripping on You this weekend to get a feeling for the look of the movie.

In other news, I have to move out of my house by the end of the month so I may be homeless, so if you see me on the streets of Portland, please give me a hand(y).

Coast Bones

3 Jun

Did some work on the coast this weekend. See?

I didn’t do nearly as much as I hoped I was going to. Did one run through and identified all the major plot holes and fixed a bunch of little crap. However, I did get the main song structure down for two of the early songs of the movie. They are:

Somewhere Outside my Butthole


It’s Raining Teardrops on my Boner

The brother of my friend, Zach, is working on a song called Teardrops on my Boner. Hopefully, he won’t be sue. If so, we’ll just let the lawyers sort it out.

First Draft Finished

1 Jun

The first draft is finished! It clocked in at 72 pages. Coincidentally, I’ve heard 72 is a favorite sexual position in western Canada. It is basically the same as 69, but involves three fingers. Here is some action from Act III:

Hope throws the fleshlight to Ron, he puts the dildo under his arm and pours the lube into the fleshlight.



The Health Benefits of (Boner) Juicing

29 May

Holy crap, Page 45!


one tenth done!

17 May

I am on page nine. ok, so I got a little sidetracked by laziness and pussy. Phil told me that laziness and pussy is the essence of all writing, so that’s good. I don’t go to work anymore, so that should help open up some time. I finished building my computer this morning, and now it’s down to just doing the writing. and planning, and filming, and editing. oh shit.

I have a small show on Saturday at the Alberta Rose theater, and I’m trying to finish a song in time for the performance. It’s helping me jump start my song writing ability.  Good thing. The song I wrote sucks mad moose balls. It’s about Robocop’s dick and it is fucking awful. Whatever. Anyway, here is a picture of my office now. Note my second act woes. WHOAS!

One Down, 89 to Go!

10 Mar

I just talked to a mentor of mine, and he gave me some good news! He really is more of a life-mentor than a writing-mentor, but then I remembered that he’s a writer, which automatically makes him a writing-mentor by the law of facts and such. Anyway, he told me he used to be a script reader for Columbia Tristar and his piece of advice was that 90 pages is the perfect screenplay length! I was going to write 110 pages, so now it’s as if I already wrote 20 pages! YESSSSS! This shit is soooo easy.

Anyway, yeah, so the mentor’s name is Phil which is odd, because that was also the name of the protagonist of the original The Unquenchable Thirst for Beau Nerjoos.  Coincidence? maybe. The reason I originally thought of Phil as a life-mentor and not a writing-mentor is because he told me something very wise a long time ago:

“I once got a hand job is a sensory deprivation tank. It took forever to cum.”

Those are words to live by. Anyway, I am sick of writing the outline for this fucking pile of dick-vomit movie so I started writing the actual script, and guess what. I wrote the first page! Don’t believe me? Check this shit out:


It’s as if I’ve written 21 pages since this morning! FUCK YES! Maybe it’s time to take a break. LATER.

Worst News Ever!

7 Mar

Hey shit-knuckles, my screenwriting class has been CANCELLED! This means I’m going to have to write this steaming pile of shit completely on my own. I admit that I am a little relieved that I won’t have to use the phrases, “tittie maggots,” and “booty worms,” in front of complete strangers, but in a way, I was kinda looking forward to it.

In other news, I went to the Newport aquarium on Sunday and saw a sea otter going down on itself. I can’t tell if it’s a boy or a girl, but I’m pretty sure he/she shouldn’t be chewing on it.

I hope I don’t have my finger over the lens during The Unquenchable Thirst for Beau Nerjoos.

Vacation Vocation

4 Mar

Writing in Newport, OR in pajama jeans.


I Farted on your Arms

18 Feb

Slowly but surely, this piece of crap is coming together. Wow, it sucks ‘nus. Here’s the board now:

I know it looks like I haven’t done much, and that’s because I haven’t. Also, kiss my butt. In other news, my green machine mobo died.

RIP Green Machine. Don’t cry, I got a new processor from work. It’s the one that’s going to render your mom a nutsac:

Anyway, I’m going to go drink 45 beers. It’s a three day weekend so hopefully I’ll get some work done. Also, the guy at the top of this blog, Lenny, is coming to town tomorrow, and we’re going to try to build a crane. That’s all for now.